‘In her shoes’: The story of a domestic violence survivor and what to look out for

By Leah Rainwater

No matter who you are or where you’ve come from, you or someone you love has probably heard, seen or even experienced domestic violence.

The Young Women’s Christian Association reports, one in four women and one in seven men experience domestic violence in their lifetime. 

Defining domestic violence 

Corina Merritt, the survivor outreach specialist at the YWCA, notes domestic violence can affect anyone in even the broadest of circumstances. 

“It’s any violence within a family or living dynamic where abuse — physical, mental, emotional financial, spiritual — happens to somebody on a reoccurring basis,” said Merritt. “Even one time, it to me, is abuse.”

In 2023, the St. Joseph Police Department received 3,584 calls for assistance and took 888 reports related to domestic violence.

Across the state, in 2023, the Missouri State Highway Patrol recorded 36,964 domestic violence incidents and 42,993 victims in the state of Missouri. 

One domestic violence survivor shared her story with News-Press NOW, and for safety reasons, will be identified by a nickname with no last name.  

“It’s scary because if you don’t have your one safe place, no place is safe,” said Jojo. 

Jumping over hurdles

Going through domestic violence situations can be complicated in more ways than one. 

“The average domestic violence victim, it’s seven to nine times of leaving and going back to the relationship,” said Merritt.

For those who ask, “Why go back?” Merritt said it’s not that easy.

“Domestic violence changes the neurological makeup of your brain, and so, people may not act the way that you’re used to seeing them,” said Merritt. “But that’s not because there’s something wrong with them. It’s because they’ve experienced trauma.”

“There’s a domestic violence that I experienced primarily though mental and emotional and financial … religious,” said Jojo.

Jojo mentioned isolation is a big part of domestic violence situations.

“I feel like one of the biggest things that, primarily women experience when in a domestic violence situation is starting to become clear is isolation,” said Jojo. 

In Jojo’s experience, isolation caused her to spend more time with her abuser’s friends than hers.

“When things got worse and I needed help, they were on his side,” said Jojo. “There’s not really sides because it’s not a fair fight, but there’s, you know … you lack your support system at that point.”

Signs to look out for

Jojo recalled incidents from her situation that she didn’t realize were warning signs of domestic abuse.

“I would bring up to my abuser, you know … this is how I feel, this is where I feel I might be, this is who I feel I am,” said Jojo. “It was brushed off, it was not accepted and I was laughed at.”

Meritt agreed that isolation is a big sign to watch out for.

“Isolation is a huge one. Domestic violence is all about power and control and so a big key to that is they like to isolate their victims,” said Merritt.

“It’s very common for an abuser to love bomb you,” said Jojo. “So you’re receiving all this love that you really want and need and what you’re looking for. A lot or women I’ve talked to are like, ‘Oh, this is the one, I’ve finally found the one.'”

Advocating for survivors 

Jojo grew up living through domestic violence and abuse situations, however, she’s able to use her experiences to help and identify domestic abuse situations for others. 

“I try to be open when I can about domestic violence,” said Jojo. “I also have a lot of years … like when I was a child, I went through domestic violence, and when I came out of childhood back into domestic violence … I kind of feel like I have a broader scope of what it can look like in childhood and adulthood.”

Being a preschool teacher, Jojo feels like she’s able to identify abuse signs in children more easily and also takes steps to ensure a child’s safety. 

“I feel that having gone through what I’ve gone through and working with children, I see the signs more clearly sometimes,” said Jojo. “I’m able to educate myself on how I can be a responder in the classroom as a teacher, to help children who are in a fight or flight response.”

Now, to work on healing from her trauma, Jojo said she goes to group therapy.

“I really enjoy going to group therapy. I have found it’s really a safe place,” said Jojo. “It’s really eye-opening. I learn a lot because every woman that’s there has gone through the same thing, except they have a different story … it’s like I can connect and see, ‘Oh, I’m not crazy.'”

The YWCA is hosting numerous different events throughout the rest of October to advocate for survivors of domestic violence.

An immersive, in-person simulation called “In Her Shoes” will place participants in the shoes of domestic violence survivors to help them understand the different challenges and experiences they face.

Sessions of “In Her Shoes” will take place on Oct. 17 and 24 from 11:30 a.m. to 1 p.m. and from 5 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. 

A Community Resource Fair will be available on Oct. 22 from 5:30 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. at Coleman Hawkins Park, with a domestic violence remembrance walk from 6:30 p.m. to 7 p.m. 

On Oct. 24, businesses, organizations and members of the community are invited to participate in a “Who do you wear purple for?” event to honor survivors, those who are currently struggling and those who have lost their life due to domestic violence. 

The YWCA will provide stickers for participants to wear and placards for those to write down who they wear purple for. 

If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic violence or abuse situations, the YWCA has a 24/7 hotline where people can call (816) 232-1225 or 1 (800) 653-1477 to get help.