The cost of loneliness can be death. Here’s how to find good friends

By Kristen Rogers, CNN

(CNN) — After working from home all day, your takeout order arrives and you start binge-watching your favorite show alone. Sounds ideal, right? Except doing this routinely could shorten your life.

And that’s not because of the nutritional content of your dinner. It’s because having strong, positive relationships is one of the best ways to extend your life, according to research.

“Human beings just are a fundamentally social species. We have a fundamental need to belong,” said Dr. Amit Kumar, associate professor of marketing and psychology at the University of Texas at Austin’s McCombs School of Business.

With everything else you have going on, why should you make a change? Because the cost of loneliness is huge.

“The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity,” wrote then US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy in his 2023 advisory on the “healing effects” of social connection .

The lack of strong social ties has been linked to a greater risk of problems with health or well-being, including more stress, high blood pressure, premature death and poor coping skills.

But finding friends as an adult can be hard. Some people’s mindsets hinder their ability to make connections, while a lack of affordable places to meet is a challenge for others, said Danielle Bayard Jackson, director of the Women’s Relational Health Institute.

But the effort is worth it. Here’s how Jackson and other experts suggest you combat those limitations and find your community.

Breaking down barriers to friendship

If you want to make more connections in your life, consider how you might be counteracting that goal and prepare to change, said Jackson, author of “Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships.”

Many people have a fear of rejection, real or perceived, while others have social anxiety, Jackson said. But if you never take risks, Kumar noted, you never give your brain a chance to see that you actually can socialize.

Practicing cognitive behavioral therapy or setting yourself up for “micro” moments to put yourself out there can help you regulate social anxiety and rejection-sensitivity, experts said.

Not everyone is going to like you, and you need to learn to regulate your emotional response to that. That could look like noting the sting and thinking, “Well, that was awkward” — but not immediately labeling that person a jerk or deciding something about you is defective.

“Some psychologists call it exposure therapy,” Jackson said. “I’ve seen them assign a client the task of going and asking for crazy things and intentionally trying to go and collect nos.”

Engage with a waiter a bit longer than normal and ask for a menu accommodation you know they will decline, Jackson said. Check out at the grocery store with a cashier instead of self-checkout to practice your social skills.

If time is an issue, think about canceling some commitments so you can prioritize your social life, experts said. But you should also change what you consider acceptable hangouts — setting time limits is OK, especially when the alternative is not seeing anyone at all.

Dr. Lauren Cook, a clinical psychologist, suggests doing mundane activities with friends more often instead of always having bigger, less frequent events focused on catching up.

If you want to see someone but also need to run errands, hit the gym or fold laundry, ask them to join you. Instead of drinks on a Friday, plan a short Tuesday game night and ask your guests to eat dinner beforehand so you only have to provide a snack.

Defy environmental challenges to socializing

Some people cite the “collapse of third places” as a hindrance to making friends, Jackson said. That’s true, she added, but those places are closing in part because of low attendance.

Today’s culture of convenience is also to blame, Jackson and Cook said — think grocery delivery orders, mobile order counters, digital reading devices or livestreamed religious services. These have many perks, especially for people with mobility issues, “but I cannot help but to think about the cost,” Jackson said.

“We tend to romanticize those serendipitous moments of, like, you’re in a coffee shop and you start chatting with the girl in front of you and you guys hit it off,” Jackson said.

But that can’t happen if we’re acting like “little night cooters,” Cook said — quickly hopping out, getting our food and then going back to our caves. When clients seek Jackson’s help with finding friends, they list all their delivery subscriptions and other conveniences — such as frequent mobile orders — and then eliminate some, which lead to those serendipitous moments.

Don’t think in black or white, Jackson said. “If you see it as zero friends or go out and make besties, that’s a lot,” she added. But if you see all that’s available to you — like the neighbor or moviegoer you always run into — you can see what happens.

Finally, get off your phone. When you’re always zoned in on your screen, you appear standoffish and won’t notice people you might like.

Go out to meet likeminded people

To determine where to meet people, consider your values and your ideal friend, Jackson said. If you love helping people, look for volunteering opportunities. If your ideal friend reads books, where would she be on a Wednesday night? Probably at a book club meeting or a bookstore, so go to one.

Frequent local libraries, farmers markets and parks. Look online for interest clubs or events, or try an app for finding friends nearby. Take a class on something you have always wanted to do, such as learning a specific dance style or cooking a special cuisine.

Maybe even reach out to an old friend you have lost touch with, said psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco, an associate fellow at the University of Maryland honors program and author of “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.” We often underestimate how happy people will be to hear from us, she noted.

When Cook became a new mom, she brought her baby along on her walks and made many friends by asking other women about their babies and talking about her own. Cook also suggested wearing something that could be a conversation starter, such as a T-shirt featuring your favorite artist.

And don’t forget you can be a leader, Cook said. “A lot of people are hoping these opportunities will just fall in their lap. If you’re not finding it, build it.”

Cook recalled when her friends hosted dinners they called “friends of friends.” They would invite a friend who also had to bring someone. “That completely built out their whole social world because their friends were all getting to know each other,” Cook said. “It became this popular thing where there was a wait list.”

Another person couldn’t find a quilting club for millennials, so they started a monthly class in a rented space, Cook said.

That do-it-yourself spirit is what sparked some of the platforms that matchmake strangers for restaurant dinners or provide spaces for people to start something themselves. Those initiatives include The Lonely Girls Club in the United Kingdom; California’s Groundfloor, an “after-school club” for millennials; RealRoots in the United States; and the global-based Time Left.

How to talk to strangers

Small talk may seem annoying, but it’s necessary, said Cook, who also wrote “Generation Anxiety: A Millennial and Gen Z Guide to Staying Afloat in an Uncertain World.” Deep relationships take time to build.

If you find yourself running out of topics, Cook recommends asking questions about their favorite things that are relevant to the situation — if you’re at a jazz bar, for example, ask someone about their favorite jazz artists.

If your platonic interest loves hiking, say you’ll send them links to a couple of good spots if they give you their number or Instagram, Jackson suggested. Later that night, send them the links. After a week, ask if they went and keep talking.

Cook also suggests using the “listen and link” technique. As you’re listening to someone, think about what you can link to the conversation, use that and build from there. If someone’s talking about their trip to Costa Rica and you love monkeys, ask what kinds of monkeys they saw in Costa Rica.

One of my favorite ways to keep a conversation going with someone new? Staying curious. When someone is totally new to you, there is a whole decades-long world of information to learn about them. When you’re aware of that, how could you ever have nothing to talk about? Cook agrees.

How to keep a friend

Although many people know romantic partnerships require consistent effort and nurturing, many think friendship should be the opposite: easy, natural and organic, Jackson said. This idea may be because growing up, we made friends more easily because we had classes or sports practice with them every day.

But in adulthood, that idea is a falsehood that leads to fizzled-out friendships and loneliness, Jackson said.

Maintaining friendships takes a lot of intention, experts said. Set reminders to check in, be a good listener, don’t be judgmental and remember what your new acquaintances like so you can suggest meaningful ways to spend time together — and maybe even live longer.

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