Old relationship dynamics remain — even as women change outdated money trends

By Madeline Holcombe, CNN

(CNN) — When Taylor Swift marries Travis Kelce, pop culture will get a financial example you don’t see every day.

Both are ultra-rich and at the top of their fields, but Kelce, a Kansas City Chiefs football pro, has not made the same amount of money as his billionaire pop-star fiancée.

A wife in a heterosexual relationship earning more than her husband goes against traditional gender roles, but the trend is becoming more common. The share of women who earn as much as or more than their husbands has tripled in the past 50 years –– 45% of wives in opposite-sex marriages bring in the same amount or more than their husbands in the United States, according to Pew Research Center data from 2023.

Getting by on one income is hard, so there are many benefits in women having more access to work and pay equity –– kids even tend to be more successful and have more egalitarian relationships if they have a working mom, according to Dr. Megan McCoy, a financial therapist and associate professor of personal financial planning at Kansas State University.

But the change from old-fashioned norms can lead to “growing pains” for some people, and couples may need to be intentional to keep relationships strong while going against expectations, said Brian Page, a financial counselor and founder of Modern Husbands, a financial and domestic labor coaching service.

Old roles, new demands

Before she was a music icon, Taylor Swift was a little girl, and before he was one of the greatest tight ends in history, Travis Kelce was a little boy. And like most people, they were probably given direct and indirect messages about what they should aspire to, said Dr. Sonya Lutter, professor of practice and director of financial health and wellness at Texas Tech University.

Fortunately, Swift and Kelce seem to share similar values and are publicly supportive of each other’s careers, but for many people, ideas about what a man or woman is supposed to do can be an obstacle, Lutter said.

“Money and masculinity are still married in 2025,” Page said, citing Pew Research Center data that shows both men and women say providing financially for the family is a “very important” aspect of being a good husband or partner.

Cost of living has outpaced income, however, so the idea of having a sole breadwinner is outdated in many places, McCoy said.

“There’s a dislocation between societal expectations and modern-day realities, and there are men and women experiencing growing pains from that dislocation,” Page added.

For men, the disparity between expectation and reality can mean a crisis of identity. If society praises you mainly for your ability to provide financially and that position is threatened, what do you offer to give you purpose in your family?

And for women, juggling work with lingering pressures to be the primary caregiver is often an impossible balancing act that leaves a feeling of failure no matter what.

“When women do outearn their husbands, they are still doing more than half of the household work,” Lutter said.

Remnants of gender expectations still exist, even while families face new demands.

“The problem with that is that it’s, it’s based on societal norms, not necessarily what is rational, not necessarily what makes the most financial sense, and not necessarily what makes a couple the happiest,” Page said.

Conflict on both sides

Men tend to be happy when their wives’ earnings fall in a particular range, according to research.

A husband’s psychological distress is often high if his wife makes no money, and gradually eases as her salary goes up, an October 2019 study found. Men seem to be happiest when their wives’ income reaches about 40% of their own, and then their happiness declines beyond that threshold.

“We also see that when women make more than their husbands, there’s more arguments about money in the household,” Lutter said.

Men may feel threatened in their own success –– which is particularly distressing if they have been raised to see work as their top measure of worth –– and women may feel conflict about the division of household labor, McCoy said.

Not only are women more likely to be going to work and continuing to care for kids, managing the house and taking on mental labor, but they also aren’t getting more leisure time the more money they make, McCoy said.

“Women are less likely to have leisure, especially outside the house. Women’s leisure tends to be reading a book or gardening at the house, where the kids can still steal her attention, whereas men’s tend(s) to be outside the house and more often,” McCoy said. “Not only is there a chore gap –– there’s also a leisure gap that it needs to be addressed.”

Arguments can stem from both people feeling that their plates are full, Lutter said.

“There seems to be the conflict of, ‘Well, I need to focus on work, because I’m making the most income,’ and ‘I don’t have time to call the house cleaner, even if I’m not the one doing the cleaning,’” Lutter said. “Both people are feeling that, and so there’s just that conflict of, ‘what are we going to do?’”

Planning as a team

Many biases around gender roles and money are at some level unconscious, so a good place to start is by talking about it, McCoy said.

“The No. 1 thing is open and honest conversations around money being a metaphor for power, control and success,” she said. “Have conversations early in a relationship about what does this mean? What does it mean if I were to be successful? What does it mean if you decide to take a step back in your role? What does that mean for you as a person in our relationship?”

Lutter recommends scheduling time to talk about money and gender roles regularly –– maybe around the new year or around tax season, when you are already looking at finances.

Lives change, and so what makes sense financially or when it comes to who does dishes or who takes out the trash may change, and it helps to know you are going to come back to it, Lutter said.

“Just make sure that you’re talking about, ‘Well, are you happy about what we’re doing? Is there anything that you want to change?’ And maybe one person wants to change and the other person doesn’t want to change, but at least you’re talking about it,” she added.

Initially, Page was the primary breadwinner in his relationship. But he accomplished many things he wanted to in his career, and now his wife makes most of the money while he takes on a lot of the household responsibilities, he said.

The dynamics change, but the key is to work as a team so that both partners can excel, he said.

And as Kelce’s and Swift’s individual careers continue to evolve, Page thinks it’s a wonderful example for the world to see them cheering one another on.

“He’s so happy for her,” he said. “I think that is important for people to see.”

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