Dealing with difficult people

By Charles Christian

There’s usually at least one. Sometimes they rotate. It seems that at least one person in our lives — whether they be people at work, neighbors or even family members — who consistently get under our skin.

For some, it is unintentional. There are just people who don’t connect with us, at least right way. Others seem to make it a practice to aggravate us. Dealing with people whose intentional or unintentional behavior aggravates us is as old as humanity itself, and it never seems to get easier.

When other people can aggravate us or even wound us deeply, our first reaction to them is often driven almost entirely by the emotions of the moment. However, most of the time this tends to fuel the behavior of the other person, either because they get defensive or are simply getting the response they hoped for. Thankfully, there are other ways to deal with frustrating people.

First, we can pause before we react. If it is an unintentional or a minor offense, taking a breath and stepping back from the moment can calm us before we say or do something that escalates the situation. Also, if the actions violate a boundary that is important to us, giving ourselves a moment to reflect can allow us to set a strong boundary in a clear way that would not be perceived as simply an emotional retaliation. Correcting others or at least setting a clear boundary calmly carries more weight and is usually far more effective in the long run than a quick emotional response.

Second, we can walk set a time to discuss matters further. Saying something like, “I am not comfortable with how this interaction is going, but I would like to talk with you later about it,” can set a tone of respect and reflection for you and for the offending party. Often, this will give frustrating people a clear signal that responding to you in a disrespectful or thoughtless way is unacceptable and hopefully they will adjust in the future.

Finally, get someone else involved if needed. If calmly and directly confronting a frustrating or offensive person on your own is not working or is not feasible in a situation, enlisting the help of others may be necessary. In the workplace, it might be a supervisor or a human resources officer. In personal relationships, this may be a mutual friend or relative. Either way, having more than one voice, especially an objective voice, can bring clarity and mutual respect in future interactions.

There is no need to feel guilty about asserting calm and clear boundaries. The Bible gives plenty of references to how to deal with conflict or disorder (see Matthew 18, for instance), which reminds us all that conflict between people is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to end poorly.