Alonzo Weston

You no doubt scored some good Christmas shopping bargains on Black Friday, Cyber Monday and Small Business Saturday. If not, then here’s Weston Wednesday where you can find reasonably affordable and locally made items from “The Alonzo Weston Catalog of Entirely Fictitious St. Joseph Toys.”

Since many of these toys are made locally, ripped straight from the pages of our friendly neighborhood St. Joseph News-Press, you can still Shop St. Joseph, but I ain’t handing out any tickets for you to win $10,000 for doing so. The bargain is in the uniqueness of the toy, the price and the fact that they’re made locally, save for a few from our nation’s capital.

Keep in mind, these toys are entirely fictional. They’re made in the spirit of good-natured fun. So please keep the holiday spirit, pour yourself a sense of humor (if you need one) and laugh a little. Also, while you’re in the spirit, give a little something to the Salvation Army bell ringers or to the AFL-CIO Adopt-A-Family Christmas program to make someone’s holiday brighter.

And now, shopping we will go.

ST. JOSEPH NEIGHBORHOOD ‘MONOPOLY’ — Players go around the board and try to purchase fast-food joints or cigarette-shop properties. Try not to land in a meth-infested neighborhood and pick up a go-to-jail card. A payday loan institution has replaced the payday spot on the board.

DOWNTOWN ST. JOSEPH ‘CLUE’ — Players try to figure out who or what will kill the Downtown again. Is it the area’s homeless population, visionless council members or Downtown group infighting? If your Downtown parking needs “how to” instructions, it could serve as a possible murder weapon.

OBAMA/TRUMP ‘TWISTER’ GAME — Players try to contort and twist their logic on where to place blame for the demise of the country. Spin the wheel to land on the Obama or Trump circle.

ST. JOSEPH SCHOOL DISTRICT LEGO — Players use expensive Lego blocks to try and determine if they have enough blocks to build one large new high school or two or use the blocks to reconfigure existing structures.

MOSAIC LIFE CARE ‘WHEEL OF FORTUNE’ — Contestants try to guess hidden costs by spinning a huge wheel. Be careful to have enough vowels or cash so as not to land on the “bankrupt” spot.

WIND TURBINE ‘RISK’ — Players see how many wind turbines they can erect on properties before the opposition of wind turbine opponents destroys their plans.

AQUATIC PARK ‘DUCK DUCK SPLASH’ GAME — Players duck, trying not to get hit by a car or splashed by feces while playing in the pool.

PRAYER IN SCHOOL BOWL GAME — Freedom From Religion players face off against the Cameron R-I School District to win the prayer-in-school battle ax trophy.

OPIOID ‘BINGO’ — Players try to see how many prescriptions they can collect in order to get more painkillers.

SCHOOL BOARD ‘JENGA’ — Players take one block from a city high school before the tower falls and the game ends with no community funding.

Alonzo Weston can be reached


Follow him on Twitter: @SJNPWeston.